30 Signs You May Be Emergent

30. Your church has replaced the pulpit with a bar stool (and possibly a bar or your church is in a bar).

29. You once read a good story about some Jewish people and a cross.

28. You engineer every conversation so you are able to use the phrase, “you can’t put god in a box,” and laugh like you’ve said the funniest thing in the word.

27. You make everyone define everything before you begin a conversation. Since this takes forever you never really have a conversation.

26. You think hell is a construct somewhere in Tennessee.

25. You think everything is a metaphor for something else.

24. When you hear the word “Orthodox” all you think about is the great food at the Greek Festival every year.

23. You think “Patristics” is a new brand of snack food.

22. Church history started when your pastor was born.

21. The only Creed you know is a once-popular musical act.

20. You only curse around fundamentalists.

19. You leave your church because the sermon was not obscure enough.

18. You refer to your local assembly as “church,” “synagogue,” or “mosque” depending on who you are talking to.

17. Your blog is a rant about how everyone else rants too much.

16. You brag that you have never been pinned down theologically on any issue.

15. The only thing you are sure of is that others cannot be sure of anything.

14. You bring your own wine to communion.

13. You are offended when someone says they are going to “Preach the Gospel” or “Teach the truth” believing they should just “Tell a story.”

12. Instead of a tract, you carry a can of Play-doh in your back pocket.

11. Your website links to Green Peace and the Democratic National Convention just because conservatives are against it.

10. You start a Christian blog, but leave it blank, fearing that you might offend someone.

9. You are not any good at art, yet you continue to present the Gospel by painting stick figures on recycled paper.

8. When you present the Gospel, Heaven is renamed The Matrix and you call Christ Neo.

7. Your church caters from Whole Foods.

6. Every sermon illustration begins with “The other night I was drinking a beer and . . .”.

5. You have yet to read the book of Romans believing Paul was too modern in his thinking.

4. Your car has a bumper sticker that reads “I think my boss is a Jewish carpenter but I can’t know for certain.”

3. You don’t worship on Sundays because everyone else does.

2. You evaluate truth by asking how many people hold to it. If it is too popular, then it is wrong.

1. When someone calls out your name you get angry saying, “Don’t label me.”

One Response to “30 Signs You May Be Emergent”

  1. LOL! Great list.

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